One of the photos selected for a 2004 campaign poster praising the president as a defender of Anglo-Saxon heterosexual marriage.

"If we focus on your record, Mr. President, we're yesterday's road kill . . . but we can run successfully against gay marriage," says a secret White House memo thought to be authored by political advisor Karl Rove.

President Bush is no longer a sure thing for reelection in 2004. That's the scoop according to a key Bush political advisor thought to be Karl Rove as outlined in a secret memo covertly obtained by The New York Slime. The memo was painstakenly pieced together from more than a ton of shredded papers found in an Arlington, Virginia land fill where White House garbage is routinely dumped.

The White House refused to return our calls, but released a statement late today claiming the memo "is a crude forgery by the Howard Dean campaign, and an unprincipled attempt to advance the homosexual agenda by slandering the president and his staff." However, the Slime stands behind the authenticity of the document, which was typed on official White House stationery. In addition, forensic analysis of the type writer font showed it to be a match to other, publically released White House documents. The handwriting on the memo closely matched samples of Bush Advisor Karl Rove.

(Editors Note: As you will soon discover, this memo contains crude and offensive language. Such language in no way reflects the views and attitudes of The New York Slime.)

Gay Marriage to the Rescue?
The memo paints a gloomy picture of the future, suggesting that it will take "hundreds of billions of dollars to pacify Iraq with no guarantee of success." Despite public pronouncements, the memo also predicts that the economy will not recover in 2004 and deficits will soar to nearly a trillion dollars by 2005. It also lists the failure to capture Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden, the new troubles in Afghanistan with the Taliban, the failure to date of the president's Middle East "roadmap for peace" inititive, soaring unemployment, the threat of new terrorist attacks, diplomatic failures in the North Korean crisis, Iran's development of nuclear weapons, and the fiscal meltdowns in more than half the states as major impediments to Bush's reelection. "If we focus on your record, Mr. President," the memo goes on to say, "we're yesterday's road kill."

Then, as if out of no where, the memo turns optimistic. Citing the successes Bush senior enjoyed with his "Willy Horton race baiting ad campaign" in 1988, it boasts, "On the plus side, we own the f--king media and can focus the national agenda on anything we f--king want to with one phone call. And the no lose issue for us to focus on in 2004 is fags and this gay marriage business." The memo goes on to tell Bush, "By targeting homosexuals we can super-mobilize our rabidly fanatical religious base, win Catholic support from the Vatican, and paint Howard Dean as a liberal supporter of gay marriage, sodomy, pedophilia, etc. . . We can even circulate rumors that Dean himself is queer and favors gay sex education in the public schools. . . I guarantee it will work like a charm. It's even better than pandering to racism. Get'em scared and they vote for you every time."

On a lighter note, the memo also complained about the president's troublesome habit of smirking. "I told you back in 2000 to get that surgery that will make it impossible for you to smirk." The memo also chided Mr. Bush for "glancing blankly out into space at times like a chimpanzee during speeches." However, handwritten notes in red in the page margin saying "don't ask again, W. had tanrtum and busted up all his Samsonite luggage" indicated that the president was none too pleased with these suggestions.

The "Willy Homo" Strategy"
The secret memo soon returned to its primary thrust, which it sarcastically but rather accurately termed "the Willie Homo strategy." Having obviously assumed that Howard Dean will get the Democratic nomination, it concluded with a laundry list of dirty tricks to be considered for next year's campaign.

Dirty tricks mentioned included "spreading rumors that Barney Frank will be Dean's vice presidential selection," "paying someone to say Howard Dean raped him," and "getting one of our Christian gals to say Howard Dean performed an abortion on her when she was underage." Resource groups named to contact for help on the campaign and for possible dirty tricks assistance included the Christian Coalition, the Family Research Council, Sodom Smite Ministries, the Log Cabin Republicans, God Hates Fags, Jerry Falwell, and Pat Robertson.

The memo also mentioned the possiblity of selecting Democrat Joe Lieberman as a non-partisan running mate for VP if things really get desperate. "Cheney's damned uppity at times and never listens to me and acts like he's the god damned president. He also may be a liability in 2004 because of his health and his Halliburton connections."   

While this article is political satire, President Bush is indeed going after gay marriage in hopes of boosting his reelection chances in 2004. What do you think about such tactics? The Slime would like to know, so drop us an email if you are so inclined.