Robertson announcing his new 'homphobia' patent on The 700 Club.

Promises responsible use for 'Christian' purposes, offers shares in Sodom-Smite Ministries on NASDAQ.

In a move that stunned Christian evangelists from across the nation, Rev. Pat Robertson announced that his efforts to obtain an exclusive government patent on "patriarchal religious fundraising campaigns based on the manipulation and exacerbation of fear of homosexuality" have been successful. Popularly known as the "homophobia patent," Robertson has achieved what no minister ever thought possible.

Falwell 'Not Out to Harm' Homosexuals
Said patent competitor Rev. Jerry Falwell, "We've been trying to convince the government for twenty years that raising church funds by preaching against homosexuality was a legally patentable practice. While I'm disappointed we didn't get the patent ourselves, I'm sure Rev. Robertson will be reasonable when deciding the going fees for a franchise ministry."

Asked if he thought the Robertson patent would hurt the religious fundraising industry, Falwell predicted a net dollar increase in homophobia-related campaigns. "Pat has promised to make the franchises available immediately. He has to. There are many hard working Christian ministers out there who by the grace of god own humble mansions, religious theme parks and golf courses, sacred TV stations, small caribbean islands, U.S. Senators, and other cherished possessions, and they've got to be able to pay the bills."

Falwell also insisted that Christian ministries are not out to harm homosexuals. "Why would we kill the goose that lays the golden egg? When I met recently with pornographer and sure-to-be damned Hustler publisher Larry Flynt [see photo below], the issue came up and I assured him I do not support the burning of homosexuals, femininsts, or pornographers at the stake."

Nation's Fastest Growing Industry
While no one knows the exact figures, an unoffical Slime count of monies raised last year by the top thirty homophobic ministries topped the 5 billion dollar mark, making it the fastest growing industry, and by far the most profitable.

Robertson avoided questions about his intention to go public on the NASDQ with a stock called "Sodom-Smite Ministries." However, Slime sources confirm that shares will be available in early October, about a month before the election.