Republican strategist Eminda Clauzet's new book reveals the shocking truth behind the boiler plate lies commonly employed by Republican politicians.

When Republican Senator Larry Craig was arrested earlier this year in a Minneapolis men's room for his foot-tapping solicitation of hot man sex from a police undercover plant, Eminda Clauzet was the first person he called.

Interviewed at his luxurious penthouse suite in the Watergate Hotel, Clauzet is an obese but imposing figure of a man at six foot five and 450 pounds. An only child born to fanatically religious parents, Clauzet grew up in a small Indiana town which has averaged a 90% Republican vote for presidential candidates going back to the days of Herbert Hoover.

"By openly embracing the hysterical homophobia mouthed by Christian fundamentalist groups from all over the country, Bush super-inflated the scandal value of catching Republican closet cases with the goods."

Clauzet first made his bones back in the mid-1970s as a Washington, D.C. "political crisis" consultant. In the 1990s he specialized in advising Republican candidates and strategists how to avoid speaking to issues of real importance to the voters by instead appealing to base prejudices. In recent years more and more of his business involved advising high profile Republicans embroiled in sexual scandals. By his own account, business is booming. "When Bush played the anti-gay card with his backing of a Constitutional amendment against gay marriage during the 2000 elections, it wound up having a dangerously unintended effect."

As Clauzet candidly explained, "By openly embracing the hysterical homophobia mouthed by Christian fundamentalist groups from all over the country, Bush super-inflated the scandal value of catching Republican closet cases with the goods. Eventually, even the Republican friendly media couldn't continue to ignore the wave of incendiary sex scandals sweeping the country."

Asked if the media's recent willingness to report these scandals has made his job more difficult, Clauzet bragged, "You only hear about the cases that get away from us (Clauzet has a staff of seven), but we're still batting over 70% at keeping them out of the public eye. Our biggest success story is unfortunately one that I am not at liberty to comment on." Questioned as to how big, Clauzet would only say that "it's impossible for it to be any bigger."

Why a Tell All Book, and Why Now?
Perhaps the most puzzling thing about Clauzet is why he would author a new tell-all book that reveals many of his tried and true trade secrets. His explanation was both emotional and frank. "After Craig, I decided to close up my practice and move on to other things. After 32 years, I just couldn't stomach the lies anymore. Especially the one I myself was living. When Larry (Senator Craig) called me back in June about his bathroom arrest, I picked up the paper and recognized him. Not as a U.S. Senator, but as someone I had a brief encounter with a few years ago in a mens room at Denver International."

While Clauzet's soon-to-be-released book, "Lying for a Living," fails to mention names, it doesn't hold back much on anything else. In one chapter called "Up is Down," he tells the reader how to decipher the most commonly told Republican lies. Here's a sampling.

The Lie	The Truth
"I am not a homosexual."	The guy sneaks off on weekends and becomes the biggest raging queen this side of the Castro.
"Ms. Jones and I have always had a platonic relationship based on mutual respect."	First he begged her, and then he threatened to fire the poor woman's ass unless she had sex with him.
"America is a Christian country founded by Christians."	America was actually founded by a coalition of wealthy white men, many of whom were Freemasons and slave owners who believed in the occult, and who were strong believers in separation of church and state. But you can easily get away such lies today because our schools teach history so badly.
"We are a family values party that believes strongly in God and country. We promise to work tirelessly to keep the gay agenda from taking over our country and turning your kids into sissies and liberals."	When you hear a line like this you can take it to the bank that the speaker is either deep in the closet or shacking up with a woman 30 years younger than he is.
"Illegal aliens are taking our jobs and threatneing the American way of life."	You guessed it. This guy's primary corporate campaign contributers are outsourcing thousands of white collar jobs to Asia.
"If elected I will introduce legislation to build a 20 foot high wall across all southern U.S. borders.	This is a popular diatribe eminating from the mouths of Texas politicians receiving huge campaign contributions from the lettuce growers, whom as everyone knows employ a high percentage of undocumented workers from Mexico and Central America.
"I'm for equal rights for the blacks and other minorities, but I fervently oppose giving them special rights."	Translation: I'm with those Nazi and Klan folks 100%, we need to keep these people in their proper place.
"Mississippi is a pro business state that cares deeply about the welfare of its workers."	Translation: "Anyone who comes around trying here to start up a union will be tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail."
"Real Americans support our brave soldiers serving in Iraq fighting to protect our country from terrorism."	This line still works because no matter how fucked up the Iraq War gets, a Republican can always wrap himseself in the flag because there isn't a mainstream reporter alive with the balls to ask him why he dodged the draft during the Vietnam War, or why he currently has all his kids safely tucked away in some Ivy League college.
"My opponent is a tax and spend liberal."	No matter how many times we pass huge tax cuts for the wealthy that decimate programs for the poor and working middle class, and despite voting for massive increases in defense spending and the trillion dollar tax payer funded war in Iraq, we can always fall back on this slogan. It's arguably the greatest and most devious one liner we Republicans have every devised. It ranks right up there with "How many times did you beat your wife this week.
"I'm 100% innocent of these charges and look forward to being vindicated in court."	Translation: "I did it but I'm spending a king's ransom on lawyers hoping that they can't prove a thing."
"I have sinned against thee my lord."	I freely admit stealing this line and the "groveling for forgiveness like a snake crawling on the ground" strategy that goes along with it from Rev. Jimmy Swaggart. Works like a charm because his followers are much better Christians than he is, and because there is no limit to how many times one can be forgiven for patronizing prostitutes -- as long as they're all women, of course.
"We're for peace. The United States of America will do everything in its power to resolve this matter peacefully."	Translation: "We'll bomb you into the Stone Age if you don't give in to each and every one of our demands."
"I did not have sex with that woman . . . Ms. Lewinski."	What? Did you really think that the Republicans had a monopoly on these sorts of things? Besides, he was actually telling the truth . . . if you believe like Bill that blow jobs don't count as having sex.