Wayne LaPierre and Virgil 'The Turk' Sollozzo hold simultaneous news conferences, insisting that "guns and drugs don't kill, people do," and urging citizens to "shoot responsibly."

WASHINGTON, DC
In a remarkable demonstration of meticulously organized, simultaneous press conferences, National Rifle Association President Wayne LaPierre and the self proclaimed Don of United Heroin Dealers of American, Virgil Sollozzo, urged citizens to "shoot, but shoot responsibly."

LaPierre "AK47s" TV
The story of how these unprecedented events came about can be traced to Super Bowl day of this year, when NRA President Wayne LaPierre became enraged watching a Budweiser commercial which emplored their beer drinking customers to "drink, but drink responsibly." Sources tell the Slime that LaPierre was cleaning his AK47 at the time and suddenly let loose with an entire clip dead center into his 54 inch Samsung LCD screen. While LaPierre denies blasting his TV, he does admit to being furious. "Why should those damned beer companies . . . and when I call them beer companies I am being charitable because what they really make is piss water fit for fairies and women . . . get credit for caring about their boozing customers while we continue to get a bad rap everytime some dodo brain shoots up a school or some post office?"

While LaPierre was blasting his TV, the light bulb in Virgil Sollozzo's oily head was set to blinking after watching the same commercial. But instead of blasting the TV, Sollozzo put down the spoon he was using to turn the tomato sauce and called an old gumbare of his with contacts over at the NRA. "Why don't we do like the beer companies and the cigarette people, and improve our public image by showing some public concern for our customers? And if we can get the NRA to do the same thing we can use that to leverage the politicians on our payroll."

People Kill, Not Guns
After contentious top secret negotiations through intermediaries, rumored to have taken place at a social club in Greenwich Village's Little Italy in New York, a deal was struck to hold simultaneous news conferences. It was agreed that publicly, both groups would deny any contact with each other, but that both would launch aggressive campaigns emphasizing the safety of their respective products along with their many benefits.

At the NRA conference, LaPierre told a huge gathering of cheering gun owners and mostly cowed reporters: "Hardly a day goes by that the liberal press isn't blaming patriotic, god-fearing, law-abiding gun owners when ever some nut job goes on a killing spree. They never report the fact that every day a 100 million Americans with firearms didn't kill anyone. They only report the thousands of daily shootings and killings. So I say to you, my fellow Americans, shoot to your hearts desire, but shoot responsibly."

Things were equally enthusiastic at the UHDA news conference, where Sollozzo addressed about 150 major drug king pins and more than fifty reporters. "The few bad eggs in this business give respectable pharmacological distributors like us a bad rap. Our product (heroin) is free from impurities and the potency is guaranteed to be measured accurately. We never spike our dope to extra strength levels to over dose a few poor souls in order to increase on-the-street demand."

Sollozzo to Fight AIDS
Sollozzo also announced that he was committed to fighting the spread of AIDS. "We're launching a nationwide needle distribution program whereby every user of our products will be supplied with their own set of sterilized works. Dead junkies are no use to us, we want our users to have long and productive lives. Our motto is 'shoot up, but shoot up responsibly.' It's on every bag of dope we sell."

Mr. Sollozzo also attacked beer and liquor companies for hypocrisy. "Their products kill a lot more people than ours does. Dope fiends don't drive drunk and kill innocent people, they nod out and don't make any trouble. Dope fiends don't start catastrophic wars based on bull shit, and dope fiends don't mismanage the Defense Department or shoot their friends while out hunting.

LaPierre closed his news conference by shouting out to his supporters, "It's not guns that kill . . . ." and then pausing. To which the roaring crowd answered in unision, "It's people!"