Giuliani gets in touch with his 'feminine side'.

Giuliani Attacks GOP and Dinkins Guest Columnist By Al D'Tomato

In the true tradition of Fiorello LaGuardia, Major Rudy Giuliani launched a scathing attack against 'racist and partisan GOP politics.'

Surrounded my microphones and members of the press, and still dressed in drag after returning from an appearance at a Broadway Stage show, the Mayor lashed out yesterday against "the racial insensitivities of using only Indian elephants as the party's symbol."

Riding Jamal
"Those members of our party who say 'elephant, schmelevant, what's the difference?' are wrong. Dead wrong," said the Mayor. The controversy, which erupted when the Major showed up at a party meeting in Albany last thursday riding a 5 ton African elephant named Jamal, picked up steam today when Governor Pataki told a New York Slime reporter, "We'll have no new affirmative action policies for elephants, or anybody else, while I'm Governor."

Former Mayor David Dinkins and other Giuliani critics pointed to low approval ratings in the African American community as the real reason for his sudden affinity for riding elephants. Dinkins, who according to one unnamed Giuliani source is now employed as a washroom attendant, was livid with the Major.

Worse than Wagner
Speaking on WLIB Radio, the former Major said, "Giuliani's administration is no melting pot and no rainbow coalition. It has the fewest number of 'minorities' since the days of Robert Wagner. That sorry-ass elephant he was riding, whose name I'm told is Leroy and not Jamal, has more chance of getting a post in his administration than any qualified African American."

Apparently responding to Dinkins, Giuliani angrily shot back, "I've ridden African elephants, Indian elephants, Burmese elephants, Italian elephants, Jewish elephants, you name it, I rode it. What's he ridden lately? A limousine on the way to a tennis match?"

When one reporter interjected that she never heard of a Jewish or Italian elephant, Giuliani banished her permanently from City Hall. "The only two people in the world who can criticize me and get away with it are the Pope and David Letterman. And you ain't either of them." Another reporter was dragged out and later drawn and quartered when he announced it was the Major himself who was the 'anonymous source' of rumors that Dinkins now cleans floors in a Port Authority washroom.

Mussolini in Town
for Charity Dinner
As the press conference wrapped up, an Italian reporter asked the Major if he intended to meet with Maria Mussolini, surviving daughter of the Italian dictator Benito Mussolini. Ms. Mussolini is in town for the annual El Duce Charity Awards Dinner.

"Of course," the Mayor replied. "It's an honor to meet with a direct descendent of one of the greatest Italians to ever walk this earth. Her old man may have had a few bad ideas, but he certainly knew how to make the trains run on time."