Arlington, VA   The Free Republic News Inc.

A grand jury in Appleoosa County, Virginia, is looking into charges that former President William Jefferson Clinton is a serial child molester.

While District Attorney Clem Kadiddlehopper (left, as seen in this rare photo) has publically denied that Clinton is the target of the probe, sources close to the investigation have told Free Republic News that an indictment is imminent and it is likely that Clinton will be in jail by week's end.

Inauguration Day Rampage?
According to leaked grand jury testimony, Clinton disguised himself as The Colonel and abducted at least seven different children outside of local Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises throughout Western Virginia during a twelve-hour spree of Viagra-induced perversion.

Was this Kentucky Fried Chicken in Shiloh, VA, the first stop on Clinton's heinous crime spree?

The abductions reportedly occured on Inauguration Day while the Honorable George W. Bush was being sworn in. As one local witness described one of the kidnappings, "At first I thought it was a store promotion, but when I looked closely I could see that the creep in the white suite and beard was really Clinton. He offered this little girl some fried chicken and then hopped into this big black limosene with her."

Another eye witness, William Burton, an uncle of Congressman Dan Burton (left), confirmed the account. "Yep, it was Clinton. There's no mistaking that heathen socialist devil. And Jesse Jackson was driving the car." Asked how Clinton could be there and 200 miles away at the Washington D.C. Inauguration at the same time, Burton said, "They must of had an imposter at the Inauguration. I knowed it was Clinton because I also seen him kicking puppy dogs and grabbing asses over at the McDonalds across the street."

UFO Gettaway in Bank Robbery
D.A. Kadiddlehopper is also reported to be investigating claims that Clinton was seen fleeing the scene of a bank robbery in a large, cigar-shapped UFO. According to bank teller Robert North, who handed over $5,000 in cash to the robber, "He sure as hell looked like Clinton. He was wearing glasses and this queer-looking red suit. We ran outside to get a car plate number but all we saw was this metalic cigar-shapped object hovering over the trees. As it dissappeared we heard this terrifying Barbara Streisand song, a clap of thunder, and then it started to rain frogs."

Kadiddlehopper denied liberal press reports that the FBI expects to be arresting North and two other bank employees for the robbery before the week is up.

	Bill Clinton Raped Me — Phyllis Schafley
	Hillary's Lesbian Biker Lovers — Anita Bryant
	Did Jesse Jackson Murder Vince Foster? — Alan Keyes
	The Clintons and the Alien Conspiracy — Cigarette Smoking Man
	FDR Paid Japan to Attack Pearl Harbor — Heritage Foundation
	Timothy McVeigh - American Patriot — Fred Phelps
	Bill Clinton is a Scumbag — Rep. Dan Burton
	God Bless George W. Bush — Rev. Jerry Falwell
	Bill Clinton Never Raped Me — Linda Tripp
	The Protocols of the Elders of Clinton — David Duke