President George W. Bush delivered a major environmental policy speech this week to a large gathering of trees in California's Sequoia National Park. Wearing a green jacket given to him by Exxon Vice-President of Operations Cleercott Avery Forest III, President Bush promised that "for every thousand year old sequoia tree we cut down, we will plant two new seedlings in its place."
Crowd reaction was mostly mutted and polite, although occasional leave rustling could be heard from Republican trees in the audience. Controversy did arise, however, when towards the end of the speech six large trees suspected of having Democrat leanings apparently uprooted themselves, and were reportedly seen fleeing into the forest.
Cheney Denies Rumors
President Bush did have one embarassing moment when a protestor hidden in a sequoia tree unfolded a large banner [ below ] criticizing the Bush record on the environment.
Mr. Bush also pledged "that we will only use the laws of imminent domain to confiscate privately owned lands when power companies inform me it's absolutely necessary." Finally, answering his California critics who blame the administration for not acting to help electricity consumers with skyrocketing utility rates, Bush jokingly replied, "They can burn oil, can't they?"
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At a press conference later in the day, Vice-President Cheney denied the tree-fleeing rumors. "There were no trees seen fleeing into the forest. You guys have been watching too many X-Files episodes." Cheney also deflected criticism on Bush's decision to address an audience of hand-picked trees rather than allow in the general public. "We've been speaking to people all over California, so we're not ducking anyone." Critics have charged that Mr. Bush's California tour, which additionally consisted of stops at three military bases, a veterans cemetary [seen on the right], and a Republican fund raiser, has avoided places where the general public might attend.
The banner was quickly confiscated and burned by a small army of Secret Service agents, who in accordance with the new White House policy compassionately stomped on the man until ten of his ribs were broken. After Laura Bush, dressed in her favorite green 'Chariman Mao' outfit [ left ], calmed the president with some prescription Xanax, he went on to tell the gathered trees that, "Our energy policy is one of responsibile expansion of domestic production to meet our increasing energy demands. Innocent critters, and even guilty varmints, in the . . . the . . . ahh . . . Artic National Refugee Camp have nothing to fear from a few measley oil wells."
