Bush Interviewed After Dodging "Shoe-icide" Attack in Iraq

BAGHDAD, IRAQ

Sam Elliot, The New York Slime's special news correspondent in Iraq, was able to get this exclusive interview with President Bush shortly after he successfully dodged two shoes thrown at him during a press conference by Muntadar al-Zaidi, a reporter with Cairo-based network Al Baghdadia Television. Zaidi was reportedly kidnapped by Shiite militiamen last year, and was later released. Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki was standing next to the president at the time, and attempted to deflect the second thrown shoe.

Elliot: Mr. President, people have been calling from all over the world expressing amazement at how deftly you dodged those two shoes. Can you explain to the American people how you were able to pull that off?

President Bush: Well, Sam, first of all I was feeling pretty mellow at the time. My doctors have placed me on a special regimen and some new meds, and frankly I feel great. . . Ah, . . . Now what was the question?

Elliot: I asked if you can explain to the American people how you were able to pull that off? You know, dodging those two shoes?

President Bush: Oh, yes, the shoes. Well part of it was because of my training as a fighter pilot. For some reason they kept making me practice using the auto-ejection seat, I think I set a record for that exercise. And part of the exercise requires you to duck your head down when you come flying out of the plane.

Elliot: Any other reasons?

President Bush: Well as a god-fearing Christian man I cannot tell a lie, Laura also deserves some credit. She has this affectionate habit of throwing her high heel shoes at me if I make a mess watching football games on Sunday. And occasionally Condi Rice would throw her steel-tipped leather boots at me if I wasn't paying attention during a crisis meeting. So she also deserves some of the credit.

Elliot: Did they tell you what that man was saying when he threw his shoes at you?

President Bush: Funny, but I asked Al, you know, Prime Minister al-Maliki. I like to call him Al. He just mumbled something about the guy not liking dogs or something. So right now I don't know what the guy said, but I think I saw his sole. It was a size ten (laughing).

Elliot: What about why he was throwing his shoes? There's been a number of explanations I've heard from sources about his possible motives.

President Bush: It's like when people stick up their fists but don't extend all their fingers. Or when they drive around in their car mooning people like we did back in college. They tell me that in Iraq that's the way they make a political point.

Elliot: I'm told it's the greatest insult you can make against someone here in Iraq.

President Bush: Mooning?

Elliot: No, throwing shoes. . .

President Bush: No kidding. Boy, you learn something new every day.

Elliot: What do you think should happen to this man, I'm told his name is Muntadar al-Zaidi, and he's a reporter with the Cairo-based network known as Al Baghdadia Television. He also reportedly was saying something about all the people who died in Iraq as a result of the invasion you ordered. I believe it was translated as, "This is for the widows and orphans who have died in Iraq."

President Bush: Now wait a minute, I feel as bad as anyone over that. I spend a minute of silence and prayer every morning for all those dead Iraqis every morning before I get up and go to the crapper. But death is sometimes the price we pay for freedom. And as you know Sam, freedom isn't free. Just look at what we've paid to Haliburton over the last six years. But the forcepts of good will triumph over the forcepts of terrorism.

Elliot: Forcepts?

President Bush: Yeah, those things they pull the babies out with.

Elliot: Ah . . . never mind. I've heard that Muntadar al-Zaidi has become an overnight sensation and is seen as a hero in much of the Arab world. What do you think should happen to him.

President Bush: Munta . . . who??

Elliot: The shoe thrower.

President Bush: Well he missed me from twelve feet so I don't think he has a future in baseball as a pitcher (laughing). But seriously Sam, determining whether or not he should be hanged is up to the democratic goverment of Iraq. I will put no pressure on them or Al one way or the other.

And now I've got to run, got a plane to catch to Afghan. . . Afghan . . . tinand . . . instand . . . antstand? . . . Well you know what I mean, the place where those cute dogs come from.

Elliot: Thank you, Mr. President.