Bush Pardons Condemned Dog

In an apparent move to win over Right-to-Life voters, Texas Governor and presidential candidate George W. Bush pardoned "Chopper," a 125 pound German shepherd sentenced to death for urinating on the base of the recently completed Davey Crockett Monument, a massive 20 foot high statue guarding the entrance to the historic Alamo Memorial Museum in San Antonio.

"Chopper," who was also known to occasionally bite off a finger or toe of some poor unsuspecting abortion doctor, belongs to Eustis Presley, a well known local San Antonio Right-to-Life activist.

Asked if his move to pardon the dog was pandering to religious conservatives, Bush appeared to cross his fingers before saying, "This is strictly a humanitarian gesture. There is no political motivation behind this. I didn't know who that Eustis fellow was until a read about him in the papers today."

Inmate Scheduled to Die
In a related development, Governor Bush refused to stay the execution of Willie Strand, who at age 18 was sentenced to death in 1981 for killing Jefferson Davis IV, a popular Laredo used car dealer and great, great, great grandson of Confederate President Jefferson Davis. Strand ran over Davis repeatedly with his own car in a jealous rage after learning that Davis was sleeping with his girlfriend.

Davis supporters and death penalty opponents maintain that the death sentence was inappropriate in Strand's case, and charge that racism (Davis was white and headed a local Klan chapter at the time, and Strand is African American) led to the death sentence imposed by an all white jury.

Compassionate Conservatism?
Said Bush, "I carefully reviewed the facts surrounding the Strand case, as I do with all death penalty appeals that come before me, and found no grounds to reverse the will of the people. Besides, I don't even have the power to commute a death sentence. That rests with the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles." However, critics of Bush have pointed to the fact that Bush himself makes all 18 appointments to the Board, whose members get a salary of $80,000 a year.

Bush, who has granted a stay for only one execution date in his 6 years as governor, also allowed the first women in Texas in more than a 100 years, Carla Fay Tucker, to be executed in 1997. Under Bush, a total of 135 executions have taken place. Fourteen more are scheduled between July 1st and election day this fall, about one per week.

"While I am a compassionate Christian man, I'm a believer in tough love. Yes, love your fellow man, and yes, even forgive him. But the bible also says 'an eye for an eye.' Now I feel real bad for some of those sorry ass folks we've put to sleep, and I forgive'em, that's why I'm a compassionate conservative. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't put them down when the time comes. The law is the law, and I've taken an oath to uphold the law, so help me God or my name isn't George W. 'Lethal Injection' Bush."

Silver Spoon Removed
Bush was reportedly in Dallas for minory surgery this week. While Bush declined comment, sources close to his campaign said "The procedure was 100% successful. A baby-sized, engraved silver spoon was removed which was lodged between two rope-sized hemmoroids near the base of the rectum."

Bush also ducked questions on the alleged connection between his campaign and a new web sit which just appeared titled "No Pat No!" Reached today for comment, rival presidential candidate Pat Buchanan charged that "Bush is an immoral, upper class patrician who never worked a day in his life."

'Mealy-Mouthed Liberals'
Holding up a wooden Pinnochio puppet which looked suspiciously like the vice-president, Buchanan said "The campaign he's running is indistinguishable from Al Gore's, the other silver-spooned patrician in the race. There both really mealy-mouthed liberals. But at least Gore is a moral man. Bush's past makes Clinton look like a choir boy."

Informed about Buchanan's remarks, Bush stiffled his anger, and appeared to turn more philosophical. "I, like everyone else, am a sinner. There's things I've done in the past that I'm not proud of. I tried cocaine a few times, but didn't snort it. I've abused alcohol, but didn't swallow it. I cheated on my wife a few dozen times, but didn't have sexual intercourse. Now I trust in the Lord."

Bush's 'Sex Police'
Buchanan scoffed at Bush's recent epiffanies. "He controls his womanizing not by prayer, but by carrying around a picture of Janet Reno and his mother. One look at them is like getting a visit from the sex police. It's impossible to think about anything sexual for at least a week. In fact, I take it back that Bush is like Gore. He's really running the same campaign Clinton ran back in 1992, only he's got at least a half dozen 'Genital . . er . . Jennifer Flowers' wannabes in the wings waiting to bite him in the ass."