The official White House turkey, affectionately nicknamed "Osama" by aides, attempts to perform a vasectomy on the president.

"We promise not to change a word of it . . . but there will be a few asteriks and exemptions."

Speaking to an overflow crowd at a Special Forces training center at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, President Bush promised to protect and defend freedom and the Constitution against "those evil doers who seek to destroy America and all that we stand for." To accomplish this goal, he proposed that Congress and the White House join together to "update our Bill of Rights (the Constitution's first ten ammendements) to reflect 21st Century realities."

Joined by Attorney General John Ashcroft, Mr. Bush sought to reassure civil libertarians by explaining that "We don't seek to change a single word of the Constitution . . . we are merely proposing a few practical exemptions." Agreeing with the president, Ashcroft said, "Inserting a few asteriks in the right places is a small price to pay to protect our freedom."

The Bush/Ashcroft Exemptions
Below are the Constitutional Amendments selected for "updating" in the Bush/Ashcroft proposal:

First Amendment: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. * Clause One Exemptions: Faith-based charities. * Clause Two Exemptions: When the president or the attorney general declares a terrorist emergency; when the interests of big oil or the tobacco companies are threatened. * Clause Three Exemptions: When the president or the attorney general declares a terrorist emergency; when the dissenters are democrats, abortionists, "out of the closet" homosexuals, feminists, black militants, "hostile" Native Americans or muslims; when dissenters are declared "unamerican" or "disloyal" or "evil doers" by either the president or the attorney general.

Second Amendment: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. * Exemptions: democrats, abortionists, "out of the closet" homosexuals, feminists, black militants, "hostile" Native Americans or muslims, followers of John McCain, liberal Republicans from Northeastern states.

Fourth Amendment: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. * Exemptions: When the president or the attorney general declares a terrorist emergency; when material embarassing to the president, big oil, or big tobacco, is present; when a sitting judge is overruled on the issue of probable cause by either the attorney general or the president; when people are non-citizens of Middle Eastern decent; when people are suspicious looking U.S. citizens of Middle Eastern decent; when the residence belongs to followers of John McCain or liberal Republicans from Northeastern states.

Fifth Amendment: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. * Exemptions: When the person is not a U.S. citizen they may be arrested on the order of the president or attorney general, held in secrecy for an indefinite period, have their attorney conversations monitored, be tried by a military tribunal, and if found guilty be executed without the right of appeal or judical review.

Sixth Amendment: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence. * Exemptions: When the person is not a U.S. citizen they may be arrested on the order of the president or attorney general, held in secrecy for an indefinite period, have their attorney conversations monitored, be tried by a military tribunal, and if found guilty be executed without the right of appeal or judical review.

Eigth Amendment: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. * Exemptions: When the person is not a U.S. citizen, or is accused of a terrorist act and there is an immediate and present danger of lose of life, they may be tortured to the extent necessary to extract the desired information.

Bush Pardons "Osama"
After returning to Washington from the Fort Bragg rally, the president presided over the annual pardoning of the White House turkey. "It's nice to finally get a chance to issue a pardon. Unfortunately, I was unable to give any out in Texas. You know how it is, you pardon one and then everyone has a sob story about how they were abused as kids, or were under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or they're retarded or dyslexic, stuff like that. My philosophy was not to discriminate. We killed everyone of them fairly and with due process when I was governor."

Donning a turban wrap over his head, Bush then stood by "Osama" the White House turkey and declared, "I'm pardoning this here Osama, but there will be no pardoning of that other Osama, the evil doer. No sooner had the president made his pronouncement when Osama the turkey suddenly snapped at the president and, according to nervous aides, nearly gave him an unwanted vasectomy. The White House would not confirm rumors that Ashcroft later had the turkey secretly arrested and executed.