WASHINGTON, D.C. - Associated Halliburton Press Speaking to a gathering of fundamentalist Christian scientists amassed from across the world by long time supporter Jerry Falwell, President George W. Bush announced today that after careful consideration he has determined that the earth is flat.
President Right About Sosa
War is Peace
Asked where the ends of the earth were located, Mr. Bush said, "I think the eastern edge is where New York begins, and the Western edge begins in California." The president also denied any White House connection to a four hour program to be aired this week on the Fox News Channel titled From Galileo to George W. Bush: Refuting the Liberal Lie that the Earth is Round."
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Flanked by Vice President Cheney and politcal advisor Karl Rove, and with the Brigham Young University Band playing Onward Christian Soldiers, Mr. Bush told the crowd, "I was sitting on the couch watching a Chicago Cubs baseball game and eating pretzels, thinking about all that bad press I got for trading Sammy Sosa many years ago. Well darn it, I was right. The guy is a rotten dirty cheat for using a corked bat and now everybody knows it . . . . But that's not why I'm here today."
Bush went on to explain that, "I fell asleep after the game and awoke on the floor with a mysterious pain in my head. Looking in the mirror I could see that God had painted a purple bruise on my check in the shape of a flat earth with the United States in the middle. I immediately knew that God had selected me for a sacred mission, which is to tell all the world that from now on, war is peace, depressions are economic prosperity, Saddam Hussein is Osama bin Laden, and last but not least, the earth is flat."
Also attending the Rose Garden press conference was a special delegation of Christian evangelists from Alabama who have vowed to restore Judge Moore's ten commandments statue to its "rightful place of honor" in full public display or "blood will run in the streets of Montgomery." They hoisted a huge banner which said, "We love you President Bush and will follow you to the ends of the earth."
Acknowledging the banner, the president shouted, "Now you all be careful not to fall off the edge." The president then brought the house down when he held up a large poster-sized photo (left) and exclaimed, "And watch out for that devil fellow who goes around telling people the earth is round and that he invented the internet."
