Bush accuses former President Clinton of planting "faulty intelligence about Saddam's weapons programs," and of "spending more time chasing White House interns than he did looking after the nation's security."

Under increasing pressure from critics who claim his administration cooked intelligence reports on Iraq's military capabilities to suit their own purposes, a frustrated President Bush lashed out at former President Clinton. "We received faulty intelligence from the previous administration which I believe was deliberately planted to trick us into going to war," the president charged.

The Man has no Shame
"I don't know what that man was doing," continued Bush, "but it seems as though he spent more time chasing White House interns than he did looking after the nation's security." Asked if he meant Monica Lewinsky, Bush joked, "Well, was there another Jewess intern that he had an affair with that I don't know about?" Bush also charged that Clinton often goes around in public with an erection. Holding up a photo (above), he complained, "Just look at this. The man has no shame."

Asked if he had it to do all over again would he invade Iraq, Bush replied, "Clinton's penis made me do it. But I don't think I'd be fooled a second time because we have already invaded Iraq once."

Bush also alleged that the former president was a member of a secret satanic sex club located in the Arizona desert near Phoenix. "I was reading The Inquirer and sipping beer through a straw like I always do each morning when I came across this shocking photo of the president (right) committing an unspeakable act of debauchery. At first I thought it might be a forgery, but Georgie Porgie (George Tenet, director of the CIA) assured me that the photo was real."

Clinton's Penis threat to World Peace
Speaking from a cardiac care unit at an undisclosed location, Vice President Cheney echoed the president's views. "This is what happens when a man thinks with his penis instead of paying attention to the will of his corporate sponsors. He's disgraced America, and his behavior threatens world peace. I'm told that he even sponsored an obscene float in a parade in Soddom . . . I mean Saddam . . . I mean San Francisco (see right)." Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hassert said of Clinton, "It's really, really sad. But what can you expect from someone whose manhood leans to the left." Hassert refused to comment on his sources, but it is believed he was referring to the deposition testimony of Paula Jones.

Interviewed before a scheduled address to Christian inmates at a Florida Faith-based prison, Rev. Jerry Falwell blamed Clinton's "philandering" for "undermining the sacred institution of marriage" and the extended cold weather in the "godless Northeast." Falwell also said there was "an insidious link" between Clinton and "agents of the homosexual agenda." Florida Governor Jeb Bush, brother of the president, was also present and suggested that the former president "needs to receive Jesus into his heart."

Said Governor Bush, "While I stand today before thieves, pot smokers, Democratic Party fundraisers, drug dealers, murders, rapists, and former homosexuals, most of whom have been sentenced to from 30 years to life at hard labor making religious goods, they have all acknowledged our Lord Jesus Christ as their savior and are saved. Clinton faces eternal damnation if he does not repent."

Reached at Santa Anita Race Track on his cell phone, Rev. Pat Robertson told this reporter, "As a living reincarnation of Satan here on earth, Clinton can be held responsible for all evil in the world."

Jane Pussant, president of The American Family Research Council, wasn't willing to go quite that far. "While it's logical to suspect that Clinton's penile unfaithfulness played a role in Iraqi intelligence failures, others such as former Vice President Gore, Senator Kerry, and their friends in the homosexual lobby may also share in culpability."