Speaking before a newly hung painting of General George Armstrong Custer, the president echoed his predecessor's famous last words to the Sioux at little Bighorn by challenging Iraqi opposition force's to "Bring it on."

Entering the room to the tune of "She Wore a Yellow Ribbon" played by the Air Force Marching Band, and wearing an original pair of John Wayne boots and spurs worn in the movie of the same title, President Bush told reporters that opponents of U.S. occupation forces in Iraq are in for a big surprise.

It was only the thirteenth White House press conference in nearly six years The lowest yearly total during President Clinton's two terms was 33 in the year of his impeachment proceedings. According to advisors, the press conference was hastily called on the eve of the November mid-term elections in an attempt to counteract the seemingly endless stream of bad news coming out of Iraq, and with polls showing almost two-thirds of the American people opposing it.

Full Body Cavity Search for Helen
Breaking with the Helen Thomas tradition, Bush took the first question from Rush Limbaugh. "Mr. President, some lying, lilly-livered, homosexual loving New England liberals have unpatriotically criticzed your liberation of the Iraqi people from the tyranny of Saddam Hussein. What would you say to them, and what would you say to the tiny minority of terrorist elements resisting the liberation forces in Iraq?"

Bush thanked Rush for his question, and after congratulating him on successfully completing his fourth whirlwind thirty day drug detox program, explained that "Helen was detained for a routine security check. The last I heard she hadn't completed her full body cavity search. So I'd like to thank Mr. Limbaugh for filling in. . . Now as to your queston. . . . Saddam Hussein was a brutal dictator, and now he's gone. At least I think he's gone, I'm hoping they'll finish the trial before my second term expires. Now of course, we also don't know whether Osama bin Laden is gone or not, or if those voices on all those tapes are his . . . But let me get back to your question . . . Ah . . . What was the question?"

Guano or Guantanamo?
After Rush repeated his question, Bush smirked coyly and replied, "If they think we are going to turn tail and run, I have a surprise for them." Pausing for a second, he suddenly pounded his fist on the podium and loudly exclaimed, "Bring it on." Lowering his voice, he continued, "We shall prevail, and there's plenty of room in Guano Bay (an apparent reference to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba). I do want to say, however, that there are good liberals out there. Let's not paint them all with the same Rush (followed by press core laughter). No, seriously, I mean it. Joe Lieberman is a gentlemen who knows his place. He's a real credit to the Senate and I hope you'll vote for him as an independent in November."

The next question was from a CNN reporter, who pointing to the portrait hanging behind the president said, "I see you've replaced the portrait of George Washington with one of General Custer. Should we read anything symbolic into this?" The president smirked again, countering, "Well John, I'm glad you asked that. You see, we both share something in common. In the face of danger, we never turn tail and run. Confronted by six thousand warriers at the Little Bighorn, Custer gallantly charged and challenged the heathens to 'bring it on.' So when I issued the same challenge to the terrorists in Iraq and certain liberals in the Congress, I was carrying on in the General Custer tradition."

The More Terror Attacks the Better
A correspondent from the BBC was called on next. She attempted to correct what the president had just said, stating "Isn't it an historical fact that Custer had initially attacked and attempted to hold the indian women and children at the camp as hostages? And didn't the camp contained an estimated 4,000 women, children and other non-combatants and only about 2,000 warriers? And didn't the warriers attack in defense of their women and children.)

The president seemed stunned by the challenge, and was overheard whispering to an aid "How the f--k did she get in here? . . . Was what she said true?" However, he quickly recovered and said, "No. Next, I'll take two more questions." The first question dealt with the rising number of American casualties in Iraq. President Bush responded that, "Well I told you all this before. So this is the last time I'm going to deal with it. So get your pencils out. The more attacks they make, the more it means we are succeeding. So by my body count, we've just had a couple of real good weeks."

The final question came from a reporter representing Sodom Smite Ministries, and concerned the president's feelings on gay marriage and the recent Massachusetts court ruling possibly paving the way for it in that state. Said the president, "I'm all for gays and stuff like that, after all, I'm a uniter not a divider. I'm in favor of a new Constitutional Amendment to protect the sanctity of marriage. That's not against the gays, it's just that marriage is supposed to be only for men and women. I mean, only for one man and one woman . . . I mean only between one man and one woman . . . I mean, not that only one man and woman in the country can get married . . . but that only a man can marry a woman . . . and only a woman can marry a man . . . Oh, you know what I mean . . . Thank you and god bless America."