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Bible Codes Predict 100 Year
Bush Family Rule


According to the world renowned bible code expert Rudolf Heidrich, the family of George W. Bush will rule America and the world for the next hundred years, and possibly even longer.

"I have scientifically examined thousands of biblical scriptures, and found overwhelming evidence supporting a one to two hundred year world reign by members of the divinely inspired Bush family."



A New York Slime Special Report


Rudolf Heidrich has stunned the scientific world and shaken the Washington establishment with his announcement that bible codes predict "a one to two hundred year world reign by members of the divinely inspired Bush family." Heidrich, a widely respected bible code researcher and author of "Reexamining the Holocaust," "Did FDR pay Japan to bomb Pearl Harbor," and "The Homosexual Threat to our Precious Bodily Fluids," told the Slime that "the evidence is irrefutable."

Jeb to Succeed Dubya
Heidrich, who reportedly worked on the Bush primary campaign in South Carolina in 2000, maintains that bible code research has been scientifically validated and is widely accepted in scientic circles. "I have checked my results using three different forumlas, including the one used by Michael Drosnin who discovered the bible codes, and all of them came up with the same findings."


"We found both 'Jeb' and 'toad' in close proximity on the same scroll with the prediction of a 100 year Bush family rule."

When contacted, the White House refused to comment specifically on Heidrich's claims but did add that "Heidrich is a much respected figure in the scientific world. We welcome a healthy and open minded hearings in the Congress concerning his claims."

Heidrich also believes that the bible codes predict President Bush's successor. "We found both 'Jeb' and 'toad' in close proximity on the same scroll with the prediction of a 100 year Bush family rule. This is doubly significant because toads were one of the seven plagues Moses called down upon Egypt, so any linking between the name of someone in the Bush family and toads indicates divine origins and intentions." Heidrich refused to speculate who might succeed Jeb Bush, but added that Jenna Bush was not out of the question ". . . if she manages to stay sober and doesn't run over too many pedestrians with one of the sports cars her mother keeps buying her."

Rove in the Bible Codes?
Asked what the meaning of Karl Rove's name being found in the bible codes along with possible references to Roy Cohen and J. Edgar Hoover, Heidrich was non-commital. "We are looking into that, but as yet we have not found a common link between the three. We only have the last name and it's possible that the bible was referring to someone other than Karl Rove since both Hoover and Cohen were notorious self-loathing homosexuals. You see, I spoke personally with Karl about this the last time I visited him at his private penthouse suite in the Oscar Wilde Hotel in Palm Springs, and he assured me that he's 100% heterosexual."


"Any book, such as the novel 'Moby Dick,' can be used to reveal secret codes just like the bible codes."

Meanwhile, critiques of bible code theory were falling over in laughter when informed of Heindrich's findings. Jonus Rosen of "Americans for Separation of Church and State" scoffed at Heidrich's claims. "Any book, such as the novel 'Moby Dick,' can be used to reveal secret codes just like the bible codes." Rosen was referring to a challenge by bible codes founder Michael Drosnin, who once dared his detractors by saying, "When my critics find a message about the assassination of a prime minister encrypted in Moby Dick, I'll believe them."

The Mody Dick Codes?
His detractors took up the challenge and found numerous such predictions in the Melville novel, including one about the assassination of Indira Ghandi in 1984 and Leon Trotsky in 1940. Rosen did express concern, however, that some people might believe the prediction, with potentially dire consequences. "We are concerned about mass suicides in the wake of such an announcement. Some people may just feel that a life time of Bush rule is more than they could stand. So it's important to debunk this nonsense as soon and as thoroughly as possible.

Heidrich appeared unmoved by the attacks. "I have both god and science on my side. Like it or not, the Bush haters will have to come to terms with the inevitability of bible codes prophecy and the hundred year rule of Bush. In fact, it might be 200 years, depending on how you translate Hebrew." Rosen was equally confident that Heidrich's predictions were bunk, observing, "I can recall a similar promise made by a certain political party in Germany that they would have a thousand year reich or rule. I think we all know what happened to them."  


   

   

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All content on The New York Slime web site is intended solely as political satire and social commentary, and constitutes protected free speech under the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States. Quotes and circumstances attributed to celebrities and politicians, living or dead, are fictional and strictly for laughs.

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